Dress uP: An Expletive-Riddled Rant

21 08 2009


I once read that people curse because they have a limited vocabulary. As a writer I try to come up with tart replies that bully cursing right out of the equation. As a human being, I know that cursing is just an easy way out when you can’t think of the right words to properly express yourself. As a daughter, I know that my mother frowns upon bad language and feels that she’s taught me better.  With all that being said, IT’S HOT AS BALLS IN NEW YORK RIGHT NOW AND I CAN’T FUCKING TAKE IT ANY MORE!!!!!

I walked three blocks to get an iced tea today and when I returned to the salon I was soaking wet and wilted with a serious white girl’s afro. The short jaunt made me mean and cranky and I’ve decided to rant about all the NYC fashion trends that need to die immediately. From this day forward, I am officially OVER:

  • People who wear boots in the summer; especially with shorts. I love my Fryes too but come on! It’s 90 freaking degrees outside with 80% humidity. Get a pair of sandals there, Harley Davidson.  And don’t even get me started on over-the-knee boots.  I saw some idiot today wearing daisy dukes, a tank top and over-the-knee boots. I truly hope she suffered a long and miserable heat rash in the name of “fashion.”
  • I am 100% over and done with Capri pants. They don’t look good on anyone. And no, I do not want to field emails from people saying they found the most amazing pair of Capri pants.  Trust me, you have not.
  • Can someone please explain the flip-flop boot to me? I think this is absolutely ludicrous.0072
  • Short jean shorts with pockets hanging out the bottom just make you look lazy. And while we’re at it, I am all set with the super long t-shirt that hangs over the super short jean shorts.
  • Fedoras used to be cute. They are now sold on 14th street next to the Super Mario Brothers games and flat screen TVs.  Ditch them.
  • I am all about leather looking leggings.  Just not in the summer. Nothing says pool of sweat at the knees like a pair of vinyl leggings in August.
  • Unless it’s for a religious reason, there is absolutely no reason I can think of to be wearing tights in August.
  • Clear bra straps need to disappear forever. I can’t think of an uglier, tackier look than a shiny, sweat-stained “invisible” bra strap showing through a too-long tank top over daisy duke cutoffs.

I’m two more days of this sickening heat away from taking commando pictures of fashion disasters in the subway. Don’t let it be you!