Dress uP: Golden Globes Fashion Report Card

I look forward to the Golden Globes each year like most people look forward to the Superbowl. As a matter of fact, while my husband was watching the Jets advance to the playoffs on the flat screen, I was huddled in the bedroom, armed with a blackberry, laptop and a miniscule TV to be a part of the red carpet promenade.

This year it was raining in LA and as everyone knows, celebs are not supposed to eat after midnight or get wet, so it was even more exciting than usual.  Unfortunately, I think the rain washed away most of the style this year, especially in the hair department,  making for even juicier commentary (many thanks to my mom and the McGuire girls for adding their valuable insight).

And so, without further ado, I present my Golden Globes Fashion Report Card.

A+  Jane Krakowski

Jane Krakowski

The fashion star of the night, Jane got everything right from the beautiful amethyst colored gown to the soft, Old Hollywood hair. Extra points for not looking like an emaciated girl-woman bobblehead.

A Marion Cotillard

Marion Cotillard

Even though I have a secret girl crush on Marion Cotillard, that does not give her a free pass with her awards show garb. She took a risk with this Dior gown and made the A-list on her own accord.

A- Emily Blunt

Ms “one stomach flu away from my ideal weight” Blunt looked ravishing in this Dolce & Gabbana gown. I only wish she had put as much thought into her hair as she did everything else.

Emily Blunt

B+ Jennifer Garner

Jennifer Garner

Despite the fact that Mrs Garner-Affleck is in desperate need of a burger, her Versace had just the right amount of sparkle so as not to look like a left over Dynasty extra (cough, Toni Collette, cough).

B- Cameron Diaz

Cameron Diaz

I may be alone in my love of this red bias-cut gown, but Cameron really stood out among a sea of neutral and she’s probably the only person in the world who could have made this work.

B- Lea Michele

Although I feel as though this dress is better suited for a taller woman, I love the old school glamour and the touch of color in the earrings.

Lea Michele

C+ Kate Hudson

Stripper pumps? Check. Dress made completely out of dinner napkins? Check. The only reason Kate wasn’t bumped into D-town was the beautifully styled hair and makeup, the classic jewelry and the fact that she didn’t land flat on her face trying to walk in that getup.

Kate Hudson, the human origami

C Tina Fey

Tina Fey

I think I get what you were trying to go for here: that sexy, saucy 50’s housewife thing. Sadly, that Mary Poppins meets the Tin Man debacle took a detour right into ugly town.

C- Drew Barrymore

Drew Barrymore and Sonic

I hope Drew had her shots before that wild hedgehog attached itself to that flimsy ass gown.  And do we even need to address the fact that her support garments are shining through for all to see? Thankfully, Cover Girl helped a sister out with her makeup and sent over a few extra Lash Blasts.

D+ Julia Roberts

Why didn’t anyone tell poor Julia that the Golden Globes dress code has not changed to business casual this year? With the exception of the stilettos I would probably wear this outfit to work

Julia Roberts

D Chloe Sevigny

The only reason Chloe didn’t get the D- spot was because she took a chance on the color. Otherwise, this gown looks like it was recycled from Ariel’s closet in Footloose. All she needs is a side of Bacon and some crazy dance moves and we’ve got a senior prom.

Chloe Sevigny

D- Julianne Moore

I think I made something like this in 8^th grade Home Ec.  Who in their right mind would waste a gorgeous figure on what looks like a bed sheet with a feather boa stapled to it? I’ve seen Julianne walking through the West Village looking better than this.

Julianne Moore

F Mariah Carey

I don’t know what was more painful: Mariah being stuffed into that gown like a Polish sausage into casing or my eyeballs being assaulted by her angry, lopsided implants. All that talent and yet none can be channeled into her wardrobe.

Mariah Carey and the twin terrors

Honorable Best Dressed Mentions: Christina Hendricks (Mad Men), Olivia Wilde, Jennifer Aniston (minus the hair hanging in her face), Sigourney Weaver

Honorable Worst Dressed Mentions: Halle Berry, Patricia Arquette, Anna Paquin, Cher (surprise, surprise)

Be sure to check back in March for the fashion parade to end all fashion parades: The Academy Awards!

Many thanks to justjared.com for the photos.

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Dress uP: The Manpris Must DIE! (and 9 other man trends that need to go)

I swear, the second it gets above 60 degrees in Manhattan people think it’s the damn summer time and start up with ridiculous warm weather clothes…in November. The other day I saw a dude walking across 14th street wearing flip flops and Manpris (or capris for men) and no jacket. Now I’m all about the beautiful late fall weather, but it made me realize that there are way too many man trends that just need to die.

#1: Manpris– The term came from my sister Christine and our friend Torey who also coined the terms Murse and Mandals. They live in Hawaii and see all sorts of awful trends but we all agree that the cropped pants need to hit the road. I hate capris on anyone but nothing says failed trend quite like a dude in short pants.

#2: Carpenter Pants– Gentlemen, are you really still buying carpenter pants?! Unless you’re painting my house, please ditch these ridiculous slacks. And Old Navy- please stop selling them!!

#3: Ugg Boots for Dudes– I can tolerate Ugg boots for women, but men are not to wear suede Ugg boots under any condition, especially with skinny jeans tucked into them (see #5).

Ugh, this is right by where I work

#4: Sports Jerseys– Sports jerseys are strictly for sporting events. They are not to be worn as regular clothes. Got it, Jeter? Sidebar from my husband who is a Giants season ticket holder: If you’re a Mets/Yankees/Knicks  fan and wear a different sport jersey to a Giants game, we will make fun of you. Shell out $20 for the coordinating sport or face our wrath.

#5: Skinny Jeans- I am just starting to accept skinny jeans on chicks. On men, my eyes immediately go to your privates. I can’t help it, I think anyone but Mick Jagger looks ridiculous in skinny jeans.

#6: Fedoras or Pork Pie Hats– We were in Williamsburg the day of the NYC marathon and I counted 7 Rat Pack-esque hats on Bedford Avenue. Hipsters are annoying and so are their fedoras. (For more on hipsters, go to http://www.latfh.com and laugh your arse off).

#7: Pants Hanging Below the Butt– How in the hell do men walk with their pants hanging so low??? Never mind the fact that I have to stare at your boxer-clad tush in the subway, you make me late to work by walking so slow, trying to keep up your trousers. Stop the insanity!

#8: The Wife Beater as a Shirt– The sleeveless white ribbed undershirt, lovingly referred to as the “wife beater” is an undershirt. It’s to be worn under button down shirts or in the privacy of your own home. They are not real shirts and should not be treated as such.

#9: Ed Hardy Wear– Jon Gosselin officially killed Ed Hardy for me. Seeing that bloated, child-neglecting ass clown cavorting around NYC in head-to-toe Ed Hardy officially pushed the entire line into the Just Say No category.

#10: Pleated Khakis– What’s the #1 way to look fat and dumpy? Throw on a pair of pleated khakis! I didn’t even know they were still available, which makes me think that there are some men out there who need to make a donation to Goodwill this Christmas.

So there you have it–little tips that will make getting dressed in the morning just a tiny bit easier.  I love New York City men, but I need to call out some of these fashion mistakes before they grow to Gosselin sized proportions.

Dress uP: Women’s Mags are Getting LAZY!

I’ve seen two magazines in two days that boast “The Best Jeans for Your Body EVER!”  Is it me or are women’s magazines getting really lazy with their cover features? 

I ignored the fact that this month’s Lucky--a magazine that I generally enjoy– features teenager Hayden Panettiere next to this lofty jeans claim; let’s face it, an 18 year old is going to look good in just about anything. I should have ignored the entire article because there wasn’t a single thing about what works best for MY body. Instead, there was a six-page spread of really cool, really expensive jeans that would be perfect for anyone size 2 and under. I did not see one pair of thighs touching, one short model or one body with a rump bigger than an apple. And to top it off, out of the 57 pairs of jeans that were featured, only 17 were under $100. Not good for my body, my ego or my budget.

Glamour’s cover feature did only marginally better. They were much more wallet friendly with their picks, but only featured four different body types, none of which my physique comfortably fit into. Kudos for including real women in your feature and not leftover Delia’s models, but if you’re going to brag about the best ever jeans guide, give us some variety!

Here are a few ruminations that I wish the ladies mags would consider addressing:

• Why can’t women’s sizing be more like men’s? Here’s your waist size, here’s your inseam, thank you and good day! And why is it that Alloy, a teen clothing catalog, is the only place in the world that seems to realize this?
• Maybe 2% of the people I know can wear designer jeans without shelling out an additional 20 bucks to get them hemmed. If I choose to pay that kind of loot for a pair of quality denim, please don’t add insult to injury with those 34″ inseams.
• Enough of the super low rise already! Cracks are for sidewalks, not for public viewing.
• Kate Moss is the only person in the world who looks good in high waisted jeans. Period.
• An honest sales person is a rarity in this commission hungry world. The best jeans for your body are the ones that make you feel like a goddess in the dressing room. Never forget this.