Dress uP: 5 Fall Essentials

September, while my favorite month, is a tough time to get dressed. Mornings are brisk, afternoons sometimes sweltering and evenings chilly. It’s too early for tights but too late for sandals and most of our wardrobes hang in a weird limbo until mid-October.

Here are 5 essential staples to get you through the transitional period that is September:

Gauzy Scarves– Scarves are an amazing and simple way to autumnize summer clothes. I like to fold them end-to-end and loop once around neck, tucking the ends through the loop.

Gauze scarf ($28) http://www.nordstrom.com

Ankle Boots– a perfect choice when sandals seem too summery and knee boots feel like overkill. Wear with anything from little dresses with bare legs to skinny jeans.

Chinese Laundry Ankle Boots ($119) http://www.piperlime.com

Jean Leggings– I flat out refuse to call them jeggings but jean leggings are huge this year. If the skinny jeans thing isn’t YOUR thing, I’d suggest sporting them with a longer top and tucking them into boots. Otherwise, pair them with ballet flats, lace up oxfords or a stiletto ankle boot.

The most comfortable jeans I've ever worn ($69.50) http://www.gap.com

Shirt Dress– a button down shirtdress is a perfect September staple. On warmer days you can roll the sleeves and throw on a chunky necklace. On cooler days, belt it and throw on a pair of leggings. Flannel plaid is very popular this season but I always love a crisp white shirtdress as well.

Flannel Shirtdress ($48) http://www.hipsterchic.com

Military Jacket– I’ll admit that it took me a few wearings until I no longer felt like a member of St. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, but the feeling wore off and now I’m quite at home in my H+M Military jacket. It’s a little more chic than a denim jacket and adds a bit of an edge to your ensemble.

Steal: military jacket ($24.99) http://www.target.com

Splurge: Military Blazer ($234) http://www.nordstrom.com

So there you have it, 5 things sure to make your season easier and more fashionable. Plus, they’re all interchangeable. Hope you enjoy your September as much as I do.

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Dress uP: Golden Globes Fashion Report Card

I look forward to the Golden Globes each year like most people look forward to the Superbowl. As a matter of fact, while my husband was watching the Jets advance to the playoffs on the flat screen, I was huddled in the bedroom, armed with a blackberry, laptop and a miniscule TV to be a part of the red carpet promenade.

This year it was raining in LA and as everyone knows, celebs are not supposed to eat after midnight or get wet, so it was even more exciting than usual.  Unfortunately, I think the rain washed away most of the style this year, especially in the hair department,  making for even juicier commentary (many thanks to my mom and the McGuire girls for adding their valuable insight).

And so, without further ado, I present my Golden Globes Fashion Report Card.

A+  Jane Krakowski

Jane Krakowski

The fashion star of the night, Jane got everything right from the beautiful amethyst colored gown to the soft, Old Hollywood hair. Extra points for not looking like an emaciated girl-woman bobblehead.

A Marion Cotillard

Marion Cotillard

Even though I have a secret girl crush on Marion Cotillard, that does not give her a free pass with her awards show garb. She took a risk with this Dior gown and made the A-list on her own accord.

A- Emily Blunt

Ms “one stomach flu away from my ideal weight” Blunt looked ravishing in this Dolce & Gabbana gown. I only wish she had put as much thought into her hair as she did everything else.

Emily Blunt

B+ Jennifer Garner

Jennifer Garner

Despite the fact that Mrs Garner-Affleck is in desperate need of a burger, her Versace had just the right amount of sparkle so as not to look like a left over Dynasty extra (cough, Toni Collette, cough).

B- Cameron Diaz

Cameron Diaz

I may be alone in my love of this red bias-cut gown, but Cameron really stood out among a sea of neutral and she’s probably the only person in the world who could have made this work.

B- Lea Michele

Although I feel as though this dress is better suited for a taller woman, I love the old school glamour and the touch of color in the earrings.

Lea Michele

C+ Kate Hudson

Stripper pumps? Check. Dress made completely out of dinner napkins? Check. The only reason Kate wasn’t bumped into D-town was the beautifully styled hair and makeup, the classic jewelry and the fact that she didn’t land flat on her face trying to walk in that getup.

Kate Hudson, the human origami

C Tina Fey

Tina Fey

I think I get what you were trying to go for here: that sexy, saucy 50’s housewife thing. Sadly, that Mary Poppins meets the Tin Man debacle took a detour right into ugly town.

C- Drew Barrymore

Drew Barrymore and Sonic

I hope Drew had her shots before that wild hedgehog attached itself to that flimsy ass gown.  And do we even need to address the fact that her support garments are shining through for all to see? Thankfully, Cover Girl helped a sister out with her makeup and sent over a few extra Lash Blasts.

D+ Julia Roberts

Why didn’t anyone tell poor Julia that the Golden Globes dress code has not changed to business casual this year? With the exception of the stilettos I would probably wear this outfit to work

Julia Roberts

D Chloe Sevigny

The only reason Chloe didn’t get the D- spot was because she took a chance on the color. Otherwise, this gown looks like it was recycled from Ariel’s closet in Footloose. All she needs is a side of Bacon and some crazy dance moves and we’ve got a senior prom.

Chloe Sevigny

D- Julianne Moore

I think I made something like this in 8^th grade Home Ec.  Who in their right mind would waste a gorgeous figure on what looks like a bed sheet with a feather boa stapled to it? I’ve seen Julianne walking through the West Village looking better than this.

Julianne Moore

F Mariah Carey

I don’t know what was more painful: Mariah being stuffed into that gown like a Polish sausage into casing or my eyeballs being assaulted by her angry, lopsided implants. All that talent and yet none can be channeled into her wardrobe.

Mariah Carey and the twin terrors

Honorable Best Dressed Mentions: Christina Hendricks (Mad Men), Olivia Wilde, Jennifer Aniston (minus the hair hanging in her face), Sigourney Weaver

Honorable Worst Dressed Mentions: Halle Berry, Patricia Arquette, Anna Paquin, Cher (surprise, surprise)

Be sure to check back in March for the fashion parade to end all fashion parades: The Academy Awards!

Many thanks to justjared.com for the photos.

Dress uP: Dancers do it Better

Leggings by Body Wrappers. Attitude by Amanda.

A couple years back, I never thought I’d see the return of leggings. For years we’d laugh at those who were still stuck in the 80’s legging/tunic frame of mind while secretly wishing we could return to the spandexy comfort of those tight-fitting beauties. When they came back on the scene a few years ago I didn’t run to the nearest American Apparel to buy a pair of cheaply made $50 tights without feet.  Oh no. I simply dug into my dance drawer.

Good dancewear is made to withhold a lot: rolling around on the ground, falling, being crumpled up into a ball and thrown into a dance bag, leaping and bounding. And good dancewear is made to last. While it may be slightly more expensive, it’s guaranteed to take a beating and still perform. Here are three of my leg wear favorites that make daily appearances in my everyday wardrobe.

1.)  Leggings by Body Wrappers ($22.50)- These are hands down the best leggings you will find anywhere. You can wash and dry them, work or play in them and they will never stretch out, bag in the knees or lose their shape. As a matter of fact, I’m still wearing a pair I’ve had since college (1998) even though they’re more of a “dark gray” these days. 100% cotton/spandex available in black, white and navy.  Also available in low rise.

2.)  Compression Tights by Danskin ($11.50)– These tights used to be called “Too Pretty to be Support” but I think Danskin finally wised up and changed the name to “Compression Tights.” Either way, they are style #212 and are fabulous tights. I’m on my feet all day long and the slight compression keeps my legs comfortable and spider vein-free. I also love the feel of the tights and that they don’t get “stuck” on cotton skirts and dresses. Nylon/lycra, available in black, pink or toast.

3.)  Fishnet Tights by Capezio ($19)– I know, I know. 19 bucks is a lot to spend on a pair of holey tights. But these are absolutely worth it as I’ve had the same pair for 5 years and they are just starting to show signs of wear. I love these fishnets because they’re tough as hell and won’t get snags, no matter what boots you wear or sidewalks you trip on. The soles of the tights are flat so they’re super comfortable inside your shoes and since the spandex is so strong, it’s like a built in control top. Best of all, they make your legs look awesome.  80% nylon/20 % lycra-spandex, available in black or caramel.

All of the above leg wear can be purchased through http://www.nydancewear.com.  NY Dancewear is a wonderful company that I’ve supported for years. They are incredibly helpful and can answer any questions you might have about sizing. I’m happy to continue to give them my business.

Dress uP: The Manpris Must DIE! (and 9 other man trends that need to go)

I swear, the second it gets above 60 degrees in Manhattan people think it’s the damn summer time and start up with ridiculous warm weather clothes…in November. The other day I saw a dude walking across 14th street wearing flip flops and Manpris (or capris for men) and no jacket. Now I’m all about the beautiful late fall weather, but it made me realize that there are way too many man trends that just need to die.

#1: Manpris– The term came from my sister Christine and our friend Torey who also coined the terms Murse and Mandals. They live in Hawaii and see all sorts of awful trends but we all agree that the cropped pants need to hit the road. I hate capris on anyone but nothing says failed trend quite like a dude in short pants.

#2: Carpenter Pants– Gentlemen, are you really still buying carpenter pants?! Unless you’re painting my house, please ditch these ridiculous slacks. And Old Navy- please stop selling them!!

#3: Ugg Boots for Dudes– I can tolerate Ugg boots for women, but men are not to wear suede Ugg boots under any condition, especially with skinny jeans tucked into them (see #5).

Ugh, this is right by where I work

#4: Sports Jerseys– Sports jerseys are strictly for sporting events. They are not to be worn as regular clothes. Got it, Jeter? Sidebar from my husband who is a Giants season ticket holder: If you’re a Mets/Yankees/Knicks  fan and wear a different sport jersey to a Giants game, we will make fun of you. Shell out $20 for the coordinating sport or face our wrath.

#5: Skinny Jeans- I am just starting to accept skinny jeans on chicks. On men, my eyes immediately go to your privates. I can’t help it, I think anyone but Mick Jagger looks ridiculous in skinny jeans.

#6: Fedoras or Pork Pie Hats– We were in Williamsburg the day of the NYC marathon and I counted 7 Rat Pack-esque hats on Bedford Avenue. Hipsters are annoying and so are their fedoras. (For more on hipsters, go to http://www.latfh.com and laugh your arse off).

#7: Pants Hanging Below the Butt– How in the hell do men walk with their pants hanging so low??? Never mind the fact that I have to stare at your boxer-clad tush in the subway, you make me late to work by walking so slow, trying to keep up your trousers. Stop the insanity!

#8: The Wife Beater as a Shirt– The sleeveless white ribbed undershirt, lovingly referred to as the “wife beater” is an undershirt. It’s to be worn under button down shirts or in the privacy of your own home. They are not real shirts and should not be treated as such.

#9: Ed Hardy Wear– Jon Gosselin officially killed Ed Hardy for me. Seeing that bloated, child-neglecting ass clown cavorting around NYC in head-to-toe Ed Hardy officially pushed the entire line into the Just Say No category.

#10: Pleated Khakis– What’s the #1 way to look fat and dumpy? Throw on a pair of pleated khakis! I didn’t even know they were still available, which makes me think that there are some men out there who need to make a donation to Goodwill this Christmas.

So there you have it–little tips that will make getting dressed in the morning just a tiny bit easier.  I love New York City men, but I need to call out some of these fashion mistakes before they grow to Gosselin sized proportions.

Dress uP: The Best Strapless Bra Ever

I hate Victoria’s Secret. I don’t know if it was the sweatpants with PINK written across the butt, the inbox overload of emails, the same clothes they’ve been trying to pawn off on us for 5 seasons now, or the fruit and alcohol explosion perfumes that officially did them in, but over the years I’ve developed a true dislike for this company. Which is why it’s so hard for me to admit that the best strapless bra on the planet comes from none other than Vicky’s Secret.

I won’t get into the details of what originally led me to the Very Sexy Plunge multi-way bra with Gel-Curve®, but now that I’ve found it, I will never let another strapless bra make it’s way into the underwear drawer. So what sets this bra apart? Where do I even begin?

One of my biggest problems with strapless bras, besides slipping, is the terrible “double bubble” or “big orange cone breasts” they create, especially under more form fitting clothes. With this bra, there’s not a DB or rocket ship in sight. The shape is so natural, it rivals a regular bra, even under the thinnest T-shirt. The band is wide and strong, with extra elastic that keeps the bra from slipping, even through the maniacal dancing I did at my friend Kathryn’s wedding. And the plunge front makes this bra work even under the lowest cut shirts.

Fuller busted ladies afraid of the gel inserts? Don’t be. They come out. And for those of us who need a little extra lift, this bra provides it without making us look like porno clowns.

I will always give credit where it’s due and VS- I thank you for this strapless. Now if we can only fix the 75 catalogs a week situation…

Dress uP: An Expletive-Riddled Rant

I once read that people curse because they have a limited vocabulary. As a writer I try to come up with tart replies that bully cursing right out of the equation. As a human being, I know that cursing is just an easy way out when you can’t think of the right words to properly express yourself. As a daughter, I know that my mother frowns upon bad language and feels that she’s taught me better.  With all that being said, IT’S HOT AS BALLS IN NEW YORK RIGHT NOW AND I CAN’T FUCKING TAKE IT ANY MORE!!!!!

I walked three blocks to get an iced tea today and when I returned to the salon I was soaking wet and wilted with a serious white girl’s afro. The short jaunt made me mean and cranky and I’ve decided to rant about all the NYC fashion trends that need to die immediately. From this day forward, I am officially OVER:

• People who wear boots in the summer; especially with shorts. I love my Fryes too but come on! It’s 90 freaking degrees outside with 80% humidity. Get a pair of sandals there, Harley Davidson.  And don’t even get me started on over-the-knee boots.  I saw some idiot today wearing daisy dukes, a tank top and over-the-knee boots. I truly hope she suffered a long and miserable heat rash in the name of “fashion.”
• I am 100% over and done with Capri pants. They don’t look good on anyone. And no, I do not want to field emails from people saying they found the most amazing pair of Capri pants.  Trust me, you have not.
• Can someone please explain the flip-flop boot to me? I think this is absolutely ludicrous.
• Short jean shorts with pockets hanging out the bottom just make you look lazy. And while we’re at it, I am all set with the super long t-shirt that hangs over the super short jean shorts.
• Fedoras used to be cute. They are now sold on 14^th street next to the Super Mario Brothers games and flat screen TVs.  Ditch them.
• I am all about leather looking leggings.  Just not in the summer. Nothing says pool of sweat at the knees like a pair of vinyl leggings in August.
• Unless it’s for a religious reason, there is absolutely no reason I can think of to be wearing tights in August.
• Clear bra straps need to disappear forever. I can’t think of an uglier, tackier look than a shiny, sweat-stained “invisible” bra strap showing through a too-long tank top over daisy duke cutoffs.

I’m two more days of this sickening heat away from taking commando pictures of fashion disasters in the subway. Don’t let it be you!

Dress uP: Top 5 Fashion Mistakes

I recently uncovered a shoebox of floppy disks containing the original Miss P. fashion tips. These were from back in the days where blogs were something of the distant future and the fashion word was spread via cut and paste email. Many of them are a little too early millennium to still be relevant, but this one rings true even today. Ladies, I give you:

Top 5 Fashion Mistakes Women Make:

 1) Bad Slogan Tees—Why do women wear T-shirts with innovative slogans such as “I Go from Zero to Bitch in 30 seconds,” or “I Like to Make Boys Cry,” or “FBI=Fabulous, Beautiful, Intelligent,” or “HOTTIE”?  I hate these stupid T-shirts.  You know the ones I’m talking about, too.  They’re usually found at Strawberry’s or other stores geared towards teenagers.  First of all, don’t insult teenagers by pushing this crap on them and second of all, don’t tempt those fashion-disabled women who don’t know any better.

"Women who pay their own rent don't have to be nice!" So hilarious, they made it in black AND red

 2) High-waisted women and the matter of tucking—This is a very sensitive issue with me since I AM one of those women in question.  As a general rule, I try to avoid tucking completely since I don’t fancy that “waistband under the boobs” look.  By avoiding the tuck, you elongate your torso, therefore evening out your leg-to-torso ratio.  If you believe that a tuck spiffs up your look, I suggest Low-Rise pants.  They sit lower on the hip and really flatter the high waisted women.  Plus, they are much more comfortable than pants with a waistband above the navel.

3) Panty Lines—Good Lord, panty lines are the quickest way to draw attention (in a bad way) to your derriere.  If a thong is not an option for you, here are 3 other ideas:

            1.) Seamless undies

            2.) No undies- not for everyone, I know

            3.) Pants in the next size up

Admit it ladies…every time you see someone in a pair of GAP khakis with that telltale sausage roll in the caboose, you snicker. Admit it.  Avoid this situation for yourselves!

4) Bra situations—Women always seem to be complaining about people staring at their chests.  Although I don’t mock their complaints, it’s very hard NOT to stare at someone’s chest when they are wearing a bumpy lace bra under a T-shirt, or a black bra under a white shirt, or a bra that’s about 3 sizes too small underneath a tiny little tank top, creating the “double bubble.”  Before you beat someone with your shoe for staring at your rack on the subway, take a look at what’s poppin’ through first. Or better yet, go for a proper bra fitting. La Petite Coquette in Union Square does complimentary bra fittings and has beautiful bras in all price ranges. 

 5) Too-short pants—There are cropped cigarette pants.  There are capris.  And then there’s just too damn short.  Try the “regular” or “long” length there, puddle jumper.

So there you have it. Five simple rules to a smarter, more fashionable you.

Dress uP: Women’s Mags are Getting LAZY!

I’ve seen two magazines in two days that boast “The Best Jeans for Your Body EVER!”  Is it me or are women’s magazines getting really lazy with their cover features? 

I ignored the fact that this month’s Lucky--a magazine that I generally enjoy– features teenager Hayden Panettiere next to this lofty jeans claim; let’s face it, an 18 year old is going to look good in just about anything. I should have ignored the entire article because there wasn’t a single thing about what works best for MY body. Instead, there was a six-page spread of really cool, really expensive jeans that would be perfect for anyone size 2 and under. I did not see one pair of thighs touching, one short model or one body with a rump bigger than an apple. And to top it off, out of the 57 pairs of jeans that were featured, only 17 were under $100. Not good for my body, my ego or my budget.

Glamour’s cover feature did only marginally better. They were much more wallet friendly with their picks, but only featured four different body types, none of which my physique comfortably fit into. Kudos for including real women in your feature and not leftover Delia’s models, but if you’re going to brag about the best ever jeans guide, give us some variety!

Here are a few ruminations that I wish the ladies mags would consider addressing:

• Why can’t women’s sizing be more like men’s? Here’s your waist size, here’s your inseam, thank you and good day! And why is it that Alloy, a teen clothing catalog, is the only place in the world that seems to realize this?
• Maybe 2% of the people I know can wear designer jeans without shelling out an additional 20 bucks to get them hemmed. If I choose to pay that kind of loot for a pair of quality denim, please don’t add insult to injury with those 34″ inseams.
• Enough of the super low rise already! Cracks are for sidewalks, not for public viewing.
• Kate Moss is the only person in the world who looks good in high waisted jeans. Period.
• An honest sales person is a rarity in this commission hungry world. The best jeans for your body are the ones that make you feel like a goddess in the dressing room. Never forget this.